Sunday, January 31, 2010

RogerFalls (long)

Hello. My name is RogerFalls642. I sometimes hear Them call me the 2nd Falls. I have never met the 1st Falls. I wonder if the 1st Falls is like me, if he watches Them through the reflections of the walls. If he wonders why he is here and what They will do to him next. The last time They came They left me alone, as if They forgot I was here, and scurried around their small reflection walls. Their sounds grew louder as They scurried, Their faces changed, Their movements grew stiffer. It was strange to be watching Them while They did not look at me, but I did not like it. That was the first time I might call myself 'uneasy'. It was not the worst thing though. The time They came before then was a good time, They stood around my walls and looked at me, turning to each other, making quiet sounds in rapid order. They may be feeling good feelings at those times. Most times are like those. Many times, I cannot say how many, have been bad times. My first memory I felt what I now know to call 'unhappy', when I came to be aware of what was around me, saw some of Them standing around me. They were different members of Them, older, whom I watched grow lighter and smaller until one day I suppose they poofed out of existence. The new set of Them I like less. I thought, back then, that They were mean, now I know They were nice, now They are mean. They used to talk to me as if I could respond back, They called me Roger or the 2nd Falls, one small one called me Falls Babe. I liked that one, that one made nice faces. Back then there were more good days than bad days by more than there is now, back then when a new bad day came I couldn't really remember the last one. Now I remember. The last bad day turned everything black and I must have been crying because some of Them made loud noises of protest, the more noise they made the less the pain until it was gone. The bad time before then everything was bright, too bright, it hurt very much, and after that I could not remember things. I used to remember, though many times have come and gone, the color of the nice one's head, how many of the older ones wore screens on their faces, and my second bad day. I remember that I remembered my second bad day and that it was very bad, but now I don't remember why. I think the bright light and loss of remembering has happened before, because I remember remembering something about my first day of awareness besides the sights and the pain, but now it is as if nothing else happened anyhow. Does the 1st Falls remember these things? I wonder where he is, if he is near me, if he sees things through the same walls, or if he is not near me, if he sees other things. What other things are there to see? This place with Them from another perspective. Where are They when They are not here? Do they watch from behind reflective walls? Though I have forgotten things, every day I feel I remember more. I learn words from Their speech, I come to ask myself questions. I learned to refer to 'myself', that I exist, that I think, that I am separate from Them. That was a strange day, or it must have been, but I don't remember it. Though I've forgotten the day, the awareness I've gained from it remains. Awareness. It was my second Awareness. Which makes me wonder if I have had more than two but cannot remember. Will I lose what awareness I have now, only to gain it again and think of it as my first awareness? Has it happened before many times? There is no way for me to know. They seem to change as times pass and new times come, over many times They change their shape and their expressions. Their voices change, and the lights in their eyes slowly dim. I get the impression that the changes are not voluntary but that they happen naturally, that all times are connected, and that does something. I have learned there is the sort of thing as 'years' and 'months', I have gathered that few times are in a 'week' and many, many times are in a 'year'. Clusters of happenings in a continues stream... like the shadow and light ratio through the small screen I can barely see. Things change. I change. Will I continue to change as They do? Will new sets of Them come, this set leave?
They are leaving now. The light has gone from the small screen I can barely see, and They are moving slower than when They first came in this time. It is time for me to sleep. I remember that term from the other set of Them, some of Them used to say 'Goodnight' and 'Sleep well'. Sometimes They talk of sleep, it is a good thing. Rest, when nothing is happening. I think it is a good thing, not a bad thing anyway. It is not interesting, I cannot watch anything, but nothing is being done to me and I do not have to do anything.
The lights in the room are gone with Them, leaving me with no reflections aside from the small green light on the wall They come and go through. It is a steady companion, I call it Six. I don't know if it has awareness and thinks, if it wants a name at all, but from Them I have learned that everything is called a particular name, some things have even more than one name. Like me. Many of Them have many names, like 'Doctor' and 'Susan' and 'Brown'. I do not like that one of Them but she makes many noises and the others look at her a lot, and when she points to me it means something bad will come soon. She makes many of Them angry and they make angry noises with her name when she is not here, but when she is here They have smooth faces and try Their hardest to keep her calm. I have learned that when Doctor is calm things are good out there, but when she is 'berserk' things are bad out there. Once she was very angry and made very loud noises, she moved strangely and pointed at one of Them like she points at me. The next time, that one of Them did not come, and I have not seen him since. It makes me fear that one time she will point at me like that and I will not be here. If I am not here, where would I be? Would Falls the 1st and Six know that I was gone? I ask myself all these questions but no one can answer them. When They ask each other questions They often get answers, though many times these answers do not answer Their questions enough and They end up asking again. Some questions I have answered myself through awareness and observation. I know, many times ago, I did not notice Six. He was there but I did not notice him, then one time I did notice him and observed that he was always there with me when They left. I don't know why Six is a 'him' and I am a 'him' or Doctor is a 'she', it is very strange and I do not understand it. I call Six a 'him' because I am a 'him', it is all I can figure. I sometimes imagine I can tell amongst Them differences between the 'him' or 'he' ones of Them and the 'she' or 'her' ones of them, for I have learned these words mean the same thing though I don't know why. The 'she' ones of Them have more color on top, on Their heads and faces, and the sounds They make are different in a way I cannot describe.
How many times have I been here?
This question hits me suddenly. Understand that awareness has come over a number of times, that They often use numbers but I only have just become aware of numbers. 'Do it again' one of Them says, 'it' being something that results in me seeing double. 'We've done it four times and all it does is give him cross-eyes,' another of Them says. They have said things like this often enough before but I never realized that the 'four times' in what They said was the same as the times in that time I saw double. Four times. One two three four. And this is the same as 1st and 2nd, as there being 'only one donut left!' and 'two hours to go, I'm starving'. Since then I have been counting, a word I learned many times ago before I knew what numbers were. Since I have learned numbers They have come 200 times and 120 times again. I don't know what that means, I'm not even sure if I am counting right because I have not heard what comes between 90 and 94 and I don't remember if there is something between 50 and 72. I think there must be a 70 and a 71. It took me... more than 4 times of knowing numbers before I thought to count, and... more than six times of counting to eight before I realized I had already counted to eight many times and did not know what came next. I figured it out, mostly, but I am still confused. I want to ask Them. Can... can I do that? I have never thought of that before. I know that I am different from Them, that I am 'me', but They are each 'me' to Themselves and They ask questions of each other, so can I ask Them questions? We are separate, but we are all here in this place. We are connected. They ask by making noises, by talking. Suddenly I wonder if I can talk too. Can I talk to Them? I want very much to try. Instead of resting I wait impatiently for Them to come back. I wait. The light in the little screen changes. The shadows come back. I wait. It does it again. I start counting. One. Two. Three.
Two rounds of six, I do that to be sure I know and am not missing a number, two rounds of six it took before They came back. Except They are not the same They ones as before. Are They even They? They are different more than being different. The usual They ones are covered in white, these They ones are covered in black. I know black because They have said that I am black and another color they call 'red', the same color as They have called lines on their screens sometimes. It is a nice color, not as nice as green like Six but a nice color. I wonder if I can be green someday. The They ones in black, perhaps the black Theys, no I will call them Black3. Black3 move around, making noises not to other Black3 but to small things they hold. I realize that the noises they make come from the opening in their face and I wonder at this new piece of knowledge. I watch Black3 move around for a while, but they spend much time looking at the screens or talking into their things and I turn my thoughts toward talking. Do I have an opening on my head? Oh! Do I have a head? This time is a time of discovery, for I have never thought of what I look like. Do I look like Them? Do I look like Black3? Wondering at this I do not watch Black3 until they start to leave. I count again the times the light and shadow change in the little screen.
Ah, They are here. The normal They ones. But this time there are only two of Them and They do not look like things are good. One looks at a screen, the other watches. The time continues with little change, until I begin to feel very strange. I have felt many things over my awareness, this feeling is new. Good new, or bad new? I'm... tingling. I am aware of size because I suddenly feel myself. It is good to feel myself, but They look like it is very, very bad. They make loud noises. I hear a very, very loud noise that is bad, it hurts, it's painful, it's...
I am no longer looking through a reflective wall. I am looking at Them, and They are looking at me. I feel strange, it is like I am crying, but I am not crying. Ah. I think...
I am smiling.

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